Letter To My Son: Carol

My dearest Son,

Less than 24 hours ago since you shared with me about being gay, I have thought over and over again these past waking moments about how I responded to you yesterday afternoon. Nothing has changed about the way I feel about you as my child. I really need to refer to you as my adult son, but in my own heart, you are still the beautiful newborn I cradled 28 years ago; my firstborn son, whom I have vowed to always protect and nurture for as long as I live.

Your very existence had changed my life in such a profound manner. It is an indescribable feeling for me to relate my deep attachment to you. From your earliest years, even before you began to walk, I knew in my heart that great things would come from you. Magical milestones that your own creative, loving, and keen intellectual spirit would evolve into… to grace the world, and most especially my life.

As your mom, I will always worry about your personal safety, your feelings of belongingness to the world at large and within our extended family. One thing I knew and could control was that when you are with me, I have always been vigilant in conveying and showing you my love and devotion, and in so doing, that you would never ever doubt how much you are loved by me; or ever think twice that I would ever think any less of you; or for you to ever even fathom that I can ever be disappointed by any of your choices or actions, and most especially by who you are.

Your revelation yesterday was not a surprise for me. I already knew for a long time that you are gay. I just waited for you to find the time to tell me. It is a mother’s intuition. From a mom who loves her sons as deep and infinite as the universe; who loves her sons more than her own life. You have always been a part of my soul.

If I had asked you before you told me, I thought that the action of asking you about it had a connotation of expectations of “judgment” about sexual orientation. It is as if my mom or anyone for that matter had asked me if I were heterosexual. What difference would it make for the person who asks me? I also respect and realize that we live in a world so ignorant and intolerant of diversity. And, I know you are well aware of that fact, just by the nature of the color of our skin. I knew that you, as a thinking and feeling human being, need to come to terms with your identity in your very own timeline about sharing who you truly are with your loved ones. I feel very honored and also very filled with positive, joyful emotions that you would feel free now to tell me that yes, you are gay. I am so proud of your courage, that inner strength, that indestructible resilience you have within yourself. You are your own person, and you have always been so!

The only aspects now that I am coming to terms with are my worries about protecting you from the horrid members of our society who remain judgmental and discriminatory and oppressive. I want to learn all I can about the gay world. By that, I want to foster better understanding about how I respond; that I gain better clarity, so that I can continue to be a willing participant as I have always been in aspects of your life and our lives. I want you to be free to share the joys of finding love, as well as being able to seek my advice or even just my listening and understanding ear to any hurts or issues that you ride through in life. For me, being gay is another aspect of who my son is, and I am privileged that you are now free to share it with me. I only regret that you had not felt it the right time until now, because personal freedom is a right, and I am a very fervent believer in that. I want you to continually find and experience joy and I want to be a safe haven in your world when some people let you down or confuse you. I also want to celebrate your freedom with you.

I look forward to the coming days, months, years of our lives. I am always here for you, my son. I love you with all of my might. Thank you for your life. Thank you for who you are!

With all my love always and forever,

Mom

August 1, 2011