Hi, my name is Jason Tseng and I am a Chinese American… and I identity as queer.
I came out to my family around…when I was 16. Although I didn’t came out, I was “found out” which I didn’t think it was the ideal situation. But I think in the long run, I think it was the best thing because I know that I procrastinate on almost everything in my life, and if given choice, I would have probably procrastinated on that too. And now I have been out to my parents, I’ve come out for like a decade now, it’s pretty awesome. And it’s been a long journey, but I think we are making a lot of progress.
So when I came out, the thing you have to understand is that both of my parents are Evangelical Christians. They are both very involved with the Church, my father was the founding elder of my Church, my mom is the worship deaconess, and I was very, very involved in my faith and my church community. So, just given all that situation when I came out, or that they discovered I was gay, it did not go well at all. NO. There was a lot of crying, and I just remember, when we fight, we don’t really fight…
When I first came out to them there was a lot of crying, a lot of fighting. My parents and I we have this very…just…passive aggressive relationship, so it just a lot of sitting around the table in silence. It was just like…I will say a sentence and they will say a sentence and the minutes will pass and it’ll feel like Eons. I expected my mother to react better, to be more supportive; but I was surprised that my father was more…he wasn’t more accepting but at least he was willing to have the conversation with me. Although it was to be super theological, you know, theoretical and not about like.. “I like this guy, what do I do with my penis, I don’t know!” It was just all just like about you know… my soul, where I was going, that kind of stuff. My mom, she would just breakdown in tears and just wouldn’t be able to have a conversation with me. I feel really bad because I eventually had to seek out that kind of paternal support from a close friend of mine in high school who I became very close with, just because I was able to go to her house and…
So I had to seek out that kind of paternal support from a friend of mine, or rather, her mother. So I would go over to my friend’s house almost every day after school and her mom was like my surrogate mom for like a year, a year and a half before college. I look back and I feel really bad, because I did what I had to do to emotionally survive that period but I know that it hurt my parents a lot. And I wish that I could’ve taken it back..
I think a project like the Asian Pride Project is really important because the way in which the gay culture is reproduced nowadays, is completely via media. We all learned how to be gay from Bravo, or televisions and movies, that kind of thing. And I really think we need to reclaim that space for intentional cultural reproduction. Because if you think about it, how did I learn how to be Chinese? I learned it from my mother, my grandmother, you know, my cousins. I think that’s what we need to do with queerness. I mean, I want to be that older brother for the next generation, I think that is really important.
嗨, 我的名字是Jason Tseng(曾傑森), 我是一個在美國出生長大的中國人. 我對自己的認同是同性戀(queer)
我16歲的時候對我的家人出櫃. 其實我不是主動跟家人出櫃,而是被發現的. 我覺得這種出櫃方式並不是一個理想的方式. 但我覺得就長遠來說, 它是好的. 因為我知道我對我人生中所有的事情都拖拖拉拉的,如果我有選擇,我想對出櫃這件事我也會拖延. 但現在我對我父母已經出櫃將近十年,我覺得這是一件很棒的事. 雖然這是一個漫長的旅程,但我覺得我們已經取得很大的進展.
在我出櫃的時候, 我父母都是福音派基督徒. 他們二個都很積極的參與教會的活動, 我父親是我們教會的創始元老,我母親是祭祀執事,而我則非常,非常,非常的投入我的信仰和教會. 所以綜合以上這些情形,當我出櫃,或則是說當他們發現我是同性戀時,事情完全沒有往好的方向發展. 整個過程中有很多哭泣的時候,而我只記得,當我們吵架時,我們並不是真的在吵.
當我一開始跟他們出櫃時,有很多的哭泣,有很多的爭吵. 我父母親和我處在一種消極抗議的關係中,我們沈默的一起坐在桌邊的時間很多. 有時,我會講一句話,然後他們回一句話,緊接著時間一分一秒的流逝,就像過了永世一樣. 老實說,我期望我母親可以對這件事接受的更好,更支持一點,但令我驚訝的是,反而是我父親更能接受,至少他願意跟我談. 雖然都是一些神學上的, 理論上的,而不是像 “我喜歡這個男生, 我該如何面對我的性向， 我不知道!” 我們談的都是像我的靈魂啦,我該往朝甚麼方向去之類的. 而我母親,她只想在淚水裡崩潰, 而不想跟我好好的溝通. 我對無法得到父母親應給的支持覺得非常的糟,因為我最終必需要去由我好朋友那裡去獲得這樣的支持,而且只是因為我能夠到她家去..
我必需要由我朋友那裡獲得父母應給的支持, 更準確的來說, 是由她母親那裡. 所以我寧願每天放學都去我朋友家, 而她母親就像是我母親的替身. 這種情形維持了一年.. 一年半.. 嗯.. 上大學前. 當我回顧這段時期,我覺得非常的糟, 因為我做了在我情緒上生存而必需要做的事, 但我知道這樣深深的傷害了我的父母. 如果可以,我希望我能收回我所做的一切…
我覺得一個像Asian Pride Project這種企劃案是非常非常重要的,因為在現代要重現同性戀文化完全必需要透過媒體. 我們全部都從Bravo,電視節目,電影這一類的媒體學習過要怎麼樣做一個同性戀. 而且我真的覺得我們需要為了重現我們的文化去開墾這一部份. 如果你想過這一些事情,例如我怎麼學習做一個中國人. 我是從我母親,我奶奶, 我的堂兄弟姊妹那裡學到的. 而我覺得要推廣同性戀文化,這就是我們需要做的. 讓大家了解我們,讓我們把我們的文化傳承下去. 我想要成為下一代人的大哥哥,我覺得那是非常重要的.